Many years ago I and some of collegues were attending some conference during wintertime in some Norwegian højfjellshotel. The topic doesn’t matter, neither where it was (but the conference was held during the evenings so we could do our skiing in daylight, of course!).
On our way home to Copenhagen we had to take a taxi from somewhere in Oslo to Østbanegården (the central station). There was no snow in Oslo, but the roads were glazed with a centimeter or so of ice, no salt, no gravel. I suppose they would have been perfect for scating. There was of course almost no motorized traffic on such roads.
But our taxidriver seemed to know his car, and know it well. Using almost only his accelerator and handbrake he managed to bring us extremely fast to the station, in the curves and bends we felt as if we were driving with Agent 007, mostly sideways, in this rear-wheel drive vehicle. A funny thing was that we felt almost perfectly safe in his car. It goes without saying that we arived at the station in time
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, ‘We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.’
Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, ‘We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.’
Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, ‘We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ……………………..’
Then the power dies.
Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, ‘Norm, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?’
With the love and understanding in his voice that some men who have been married for years exhibit, Norman says, ‘Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?’
Are you looking for a way to get your eyelids in shape?
You can always try to do like Yang Guanghe, a crazy Chinese man who must have the strongest eyelids in the world!
Mr Guanghe practiced 10 years for this stunt. He told the newspapers that it was painful in the beginning but he gradually got used to it. He wanted to test the limit of the weakest link in the human body.
If this is his weakest link, imagine what he can do with his strongest link.
funny motor insurance claims
“I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way..” (Thanks M Robson)
“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early..” (Thanks N Bradley)
“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.” (from an Australian claim form – Thanks N Shepherd)
“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.” (Thanks Sharon Burrows)
“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”
“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”
“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”
“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”
“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”
“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.”
“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
- “I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
- “Not according to my radar,” the trooper said.
- “Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
- “No you weren’t!” the trooper said.
With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
- “Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he’s been drinking.”
A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.
- Well, replies the woman, “I have contacts.”
- Lady, I don’t care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
- “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court”, he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through
a red light’ five hundred times.”
- 1) When one driver was confronted with the sight of a fellow driver naughtily double-parking, he decided to get his own back by leaving the following hilarious note. ‘Dear Person. I am sorry I put a dent in your car. I am not leaving my details because you chose to use two spaces and I just wanted one… The scratches are because I used a towel that had sand on it to try and clean the dent up’.
- 2) Some car owners may like to be kind to the environment, perhaps by walking where possible or driving a hybridcar. But one car owner took it too far recently when she stopped to help an injured baby rabbit… which promptly crawled into her dashboard and died. Unfortunately, it then had to remain there for several days until they could work out how to free the body and apparently, the smell still lingers.
- 3) Those in the insurance industry have a reputation for being on the dull side, but they have their fun. Previous real-life insurance claims have included: “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”, and “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”. Maybe a career in insurance wouldn’t be so boring.
- 4) One motorist found a novel way to get rid of houseguests, after she was overcome with nausea in her convertible car. As she was giving them a tour of the town (roof down so they could see the sights), she suddenly felt extremely ill. Leaning over the side of the car to be sick, she didn’t calculate the strength of the wind… and promptly managed to vomit all over her friends in the back seat. They cut short their visit soon after.
- 5) An American woman had an excellent excuse for being late one day, after she lost her keys in a novel way. When a possum broke into her home looking for scraps she panicked and threw her keys at it, which the animal then sat on… and refused to budge! After an hour or two of coaxing he finally moved on, but not before he’d made the woman extremely late for work.
It came via an Auntie who was test driving a Nissan Sunny (yes, dispicable behaviour I know) back in the mid-eighties.
Salesman drove car out of dealership, she took over, went for a short drive around a few roads near Whitby.
Few minutes into her driving, the salesman directs her along a certain route that he described as a short cut through a housing estate.
Few hundred yeards into the estate he tells he that it’d be a big favour if she could pull up a little further along the road because he had to give a message to his ‘sister’ who lived on the road.
Auntie duly stops, thinks nothing of it really.
Two minutes later, salesman comes running out of the house with a woman in pursuit. Woman hurls a book at him, smacks him clean on top of the head and he trips on the drive, going sprawling all over the place.
Auntie a bit worried now. Woman continues hurling abuse at him as he gets into car.
Salesman asks her to drive off swiftly.
Salesman then starts a sob story begging her not to tell the dealership what has just happened….
It turned out if wasn’t his sisters, but a woman with whom he had been having a 4 month affair – and he’d just dumped her. Not clever on a test drive!!!!
My Auntie maintains to this day that he ‘seemed such a polite young man’!!!!!!
Her husband (Uncle) creases up to the point he can’t breathe through laughing every time she recalls the events -but he did say the deal they got on the Sunny was far too good to turn down so he’s not bothered that they never told the dealership!
I wish this was my car
I recently went for a drive on a mission to buy a set of table and chairs. This was my first time driving a car in the US and my first time driving on the other side of the street. Luckily I managed to convince a friend to come along for the ride and he was patient enough to give me directions and some tips.
Now I don’t actually own a car. Instead I’ve signed up to a collective project called WeCar. Basically it’s like a car rental community, with emphasis on the community. There is a central company (WeCar) who looks after them, gets them fixed, serviced and basically do the other boring admin stuff. The rates are pretty decent – $5/hour gets you the car, fuel and insurance cover. The community part comes in mainly in the gas – you are responsible for filling the car when it gets to about 3/4 empty. There is a gas card though so you don’t have to pay. All in all very useful when you don’t need a car every day and you get the environmental kudos for driving a hybrid vehicle (I got a Prius).
I had a few funny moments. For instance I kept turning on the wipers instead of the indicators (they are on the other side of the steering wheel). I also kept flicking on the wrong signal… up is right and down is left here, also the opposite direction for me. Reversing was tricky as I had to get used to looking over my right shoulder – something that was harder than I thought it should be!
Actually the experience wasn’t too bad. Apart from a few corners cut a bit too sharp we managed to get to Target and back in one piece. AND I am now writing this post on a table and sitting on a chair. Bliss!
Have you ever driven on the other side of the road compared to what you’re used to? Or any funny driving stories let me know below!
From The Outrageous Funny Story Files…
Highway to Heaven
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there
was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”
Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to
see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
The supervisor asked, “Is it the Governor?”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the President.”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
A disabled man from Darlington has been arrested after he gave a lift to a friend on his mobility scooter while three times over the alcohol limit.
Nigel Lee Drummond was arrested after he was recorded by surveillance cameras weaving erratically through the streets of Darlington at 8mph after he and his friend left a local bar.
But because scooters do not count as cars under normal drink driving laws, Drummond was arrested under an obscure Victorian law – which bans being drunk in charge of a carriage.
Police warned that, while mobility scooters don’t go very fast, they can still pose a hazard to pedestrians and other road users. PC Kevin Salter of Darlington Police commented: ‘He was very drunk.’
Drummond was given a six-month conditional discharge and ordered to pay £65 costs.